(Read Part 1 first: Here)
The day of the viewing. I woke up with mixed feelings. I felt butterflies of excitement. I’d been waiting for this moment for 2 years. Hero was finally serious! When he had sworn he wouldn’t let me down again, he hadn’t flinched. On the other hand, the old fears whispered: You know he’ll never stay true to his word. I told them to shut up, I was gonna be happy this time around!
We went to see the apartment. It was lovely. Three bedrooms, one livingroom, two bathrooms. Top floor. No houses opposite. You could see for miles over the lake! A huge balcony for enjoying the view. After three minutes there, I could envision our whole lives. Part of Hero’s promise, to get me back, had been that we were gonna have a baby. I could see us with a stroller, by the lake. Inviting family and friends for dinner, in this lovely space.
The other couple came to see our apartments. We agreed to get in touch soon, after thinking the trade over. Hero was quiet. Too quiet. I was very afraid to ask, but I did.
I shouldn’t have had to ask. He’d already promised to say yes to the first apartment that seemed nice/affordable. But now Hero was quiet. He only said: “Well… it’s ok, I guess”. (I started feeling dizzy). “What do you mean?” I said, my skin turning cold. He looked away. (Why can’t he ever fucking look at me when he is about to let me down). A little longer conversation (more like pulling teeth), I understood that he did not want that apartment. No major problems, he said. “But… it’s just.. 10 mins walk from the subway. And by car, it was 5 minutes more out, from the city”. (What the hell are you talking about? Did you hit your head and not understand the chance we have here?).
I told him I’d move out from his place in the morning, while he was at work. He protested, but I didn’t want to talk anymore. I had totally shut down. I was numb inside. Dead. I remember my skin being cold. So cold. Just like in the past, when I had discovered his cheating.
In the morning, I packed my things, called a cab. I sent Hero a text that I was leaving. He replied straight away: Please, don’t leave. Stay ’til tonight, we can talk about things. I said no, I was going.
Hero went into a texting frenzy. He said he absolutely couldn’t lose me again. He pleaded with me to go to the movies with him the next day. He begged me. He wanted to make things right. It hurt him “more than he could say”, that I’d left. It was “the most awful feeling in the world”, to come home and see that I was gone. With all of his passionate explanations about how he absolutely couldn’t be without me, I agreed we could go to a movie the next night. But I also told him: FYI, you are going to make things right. He said: “Yes, I understand”.
At the cinema they had a restaurant, we went to eat before the movie. Although completely numb, shut-off from any real feelings still, I was curious to see how Hero would “solve” this situation he had put us in. He didn’t say much during dinner. Small talk. I thought: well, maybe he’ll make things right after the movie. He just has to find the words.
I got the text right before we stepped into the cinema. Little did the woman who sent it, know that that text was gonna affect my whole evening, (and in fact, future).
“Hello, we were just wondering, have you decided how you feel about our apartment?”
I stopped Hero just before we went in to the movie, that was about to start in five minutes. I told him about the text; “So, what do you say?”. I remember smiling, cause some sort of hope had found its way into my heart again. He’d told me he wanted to make this right. This was his chance, right here. This was fate, intervening, giving Hero a chance to redeem himself, atone for everything he had put me through.
He stayed quiet. For minutes. Or was it hours. It must’ve been minutes. Logically. But I’ve never experienced such a long silence. Emotionally, it was three years, I had waited. He still couldn’t look me in the eye. Finally, he said: Can’t we just watch the movie? The zombie state struck me again. I walked in.
Upon sitting down in the cinema chair, I suddenly realized that I couldn’t stay there. Tears started streaming down my cheeks I couldn’t stop it. I told him I had to get out of there. I walked out. He followed me. He asked me to stay. I said something like: “How can I stay when you’ve let me down. Twice”. (A hundred times). I said he’d have to drive me home, cause I didn’t have my wallet. We never did get to see that movie. I don’t even remember which one it was.
I do remember him standing outside the theatre, I remember; the feeling of being frozen in all my limbs, that the walls were yellow, how the lighting was really sharp and bright, sort of like hospital lamps. The floor a greyish sort of marble. (Or was that his silent face, when I asked him for an answer). The smell of popcorn in the air, which felt wrong. But mostly, I remember his face. How his face was still, how his lips did not move to answer my question about the text, how his eyes were so empty. I searched desperately everywhere in his face for an expression of love, of remorse. There was nothing there. Only eyes that evaded mine.
-He did drive me home. That’s the last time I would ever see Hero, as his girlfriend. Cause The Moment he got the chance to set right his betrayed promise to me, but didn’t.. for me it was The Worst Moment of My Life. You see, it all fell on me, at once. All the lies, the physical cheating I knew about, the countless online affairs, the hundreds of broken promises, the Silent Treatments, the prioritizing of everything but me, the hoovering, all the times I’d forgiven him during three years. All melted into this one moment. When he refused to answer me, it was like he took away all my human value. Like I wasn’t worthy of words. A toy on the shelf.
No one has ever made me feel more abandoned than he did, in that moment. Apparently, it was ok for him to lure me back with this false promise, and stand there, like a marble statue, abandon his promise, cast me into grief. I have never felt more alone, than in that moment.
-When Hero drove me home, as soon as he stopped the car outside my building, I got out, without saying a word. I just closed the car door and started walking. I replied to the woman that had texted me about the apartment: “No, thank you, we are not interested“.–
A song that fits the occasion: Listen to it here
(As you may/may not know, there is, (unfortunately) a bit more to the story. You can read all about that, Here (narcissistic harem) ).