When is the moment that you know you have to let go? This is an important question for all of us. Have I done as much as I can? Is it ok to let go?
Whatever you’re facing, a difficulty, or a person with severe issues, sometimes you just have to let go. For a variety of reasons. Mostly because not letting go, would be too harmful for you. Or, you couldn’t help the other person more. They have to save themselves, find their own will to change and grow. Or stay as they are.
Specifically about narcissists now: Do you want to know, if you should give a narcissist (or “suspected” narcissist) another chance in a relationship? Here is a tool you can use. It could help you, in seeing if there is any significant change in the narcissist’s harmful behaviors, and if it is worth staying and fighting for them. Below is an excerpt of the excellent article from Melanie Tonia Evans, (from: http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/)—————
Six Steps to Finding Out If This Person is Capable of Accountability and Remorse
1. DON’T take this person on their word immediately
Tell him or her “I still love you” (if that’s how you feel), but state firmly “I can’t trust you, and I would never consider this relationship again unless I could.”
Now you have thrown down the challenge. If this person genuinely loves you and wants to make amends, they have to prove they can be trusted.
2. DON’T grant this person a chance until they “crack” and hit “rock bottom”
Anyone who is acting narcissistically is playing out lack of accountability and is projecting their stuff on to you. Narcissistic behaviours are created from fear and ego, and egos are powerful. They need to crack open with pain in order to be addressed and healed, otherwise the show of “love” and “remorse” will only be a band-aid that will not hold.
3. DON’T accept any suspected narcissist who is not committed to ongoing therapy and personal development
Decent people (who can include people with unhealed parts who have acted badly), who accept that their behaviour is defective, and that their life is not working for themself and others, want to fix their issues. Without being held accountable by therapists and working diligently on their unhealed parts with full disclosure to you regarding their therapy and prognosis, this person is not serious about healing and not committed to granting you safety and trust.
4. TEST the accountability and remorse
People who have hurt you are never safe unless they can provide genuine accountability and remorse. Those who can’t are absolute repeat offenders waiting to happen – guaranteed. If you can’t express your hurt and pain of what happened to you to this person without them staying in full support and empathy – you are not experiencing the real deal.
Projections, blame throwing and excuses are not acceptable – even if spasmodic. They either accept what they did was wrong and hurtful, or they don’t! There is no middle ground on this one.
5. KNOW the difference between it being “about you” or being “about them”
If you have been abused it is time to be “entitled.” You are learning that, in order to create your reality of deserving truth, integrity, love and support, you have to be it and live it. Watch the suspected narcissist at his or her version of rebuild. Believe me it’s crucial to observe this very closely after being abused if considering taking this person back.
Is this person consistently caring about you? Do they state things like “I know I may have lost you through my actions, and I have to accept that” and “If you feel that you will be happier moving on rather than trying with us again – I promise I want more than anything for you to be happy, as much as it hurts” and “I don’t blame you for dating that guy, I know it was because of my actions that you did that” and “If you have any unresolved pain or problems please talk to me. I want you to talk it out and feel safe?”
Or, do you very soon notice that as soon as you don’t comply and give the narcissist what he or she wants, that the demands, aggression, projections, blame throwing “poor me” and guilt trips start again.
6. TRUST how it feels
As soon as you notice the narcissistic traits again, pull away, go back to no contact and hold your powerful personal boundaries.
Remember – Narcissistic abuse is not your reality ….
——(Read her whole article on this, Here if you are interested in learning more)——-
My 2 cents, below.
-So, if you have tried, banged your head against the wall, broken up, gone back again.. Or the narcissistic person has simply hurt you seriously, maybe you should try these steps, that Melanie Tonia Evans suggests. I don’t know why, but this article stayed with me, even as I failed No Contact many times, in the past. I’d say these steps are good for protecting yourself, if you’re considering giving a narcissist another chance. Or, if you don’t like this list for some reason, make your own list! Inform the narcissist: “these are my demands”, for me to trust you again. Period. No discussion. If they start debating, claiming you’re “unreasonable”, stalling, etc. Then you know. It’s time to let go.
Even though I’m not done processing what I went through, I’m done fighting for the narcissistic ex. I’ve never before been so certain, that I’ve truly let him go. I feel this extremely strongly. I’ll surely still write about him/narcissism, to enlighten others, and as my own therapy. But, I have let go, of him as a person and partner. Completely. And I can not describe to you in words, the freedom I feel, as I’m writing this!