“But, I just wanted us to have a good time. Now you’ve gone and ruined all that by bringing these accusations at me. And in that angry tone, at that. I swear, I haven’t heard a friendly word from you in ages”.
“I’ve worked really hard and I have a cold, on top of that (coughs), do we really have to do this right now?”
“I’m the one who wants to fix things between us, while you just keep raging and fighting about something in the past. You’re really acting out in unhealthy ways, nowadays. I think you should see a therapist” variations; you’re bipolar/depressed/disordered/alcoholic/”psycho”, clingy, drama queen, etc).
“If you hadn’t violated my privacy by snooping in my phone, we wouldn’t be having this fight”. (Said without wanting to acknowledge the messages from 5 people of the opposite sex, from dating sites, found in their phone).
Twisting reality into a warped opposite of what reality has been, for you. Stealing. That is what the narcissist is doing, when they’re taking from you, your rightful sense of being victimized in your relationship. Copyrighted by the narcissist, the title of Victim belongs to none other than them. In their mind. When you’re confronting them with their unacceptable behaviors, such as cheating, lying and breaking promises, this is what you’ll get in return.
In their mind, you are the abuser. How dare you criticize their behavior? You humiliate them. Your anger (after being abused for years) is “out of control” and “scaring” them. If you’re in so much pain from their abuse, that you’e nearly suicidal, have taken to pills/drugs/alcohol to numb the pain and be able to go on living.. Or if you have severe mental health issues because of their torturous psychological abuse.. they will use this against you. Any acting out from your part, will be used against you:
“See..I always knew you were unstable. Everyone said it, but I stuck by you. But I can not, anymore. I can not handle your issues. You need help”. Etc, with plenty of variations on this theme.
The narcissist thus abuses you twice. First the abuse, then the denial and throwing it back at you, making you out to be the “crazy” person and them the victim of your destructive ways. And no matter how you explain that all of your issues/rage etc, stem from all their abuse, the narcissist won’t listen.
My experience is that the narcissist eventually completely takes on the role of the victim of your entire relationship, and “reveals” that you were the abuser “right from the start”. I believe this complete “switching of identities” on a full scale, usually does not happen in the beginning.
It happens when you are deep into the relationship, already “brainwashed”, from all the gaslighting and manipulations… that is when they know you are “good and ready” to accept this warped image of reality. The ultimate gaslighting. Alternatively, you may have broken up, and you’re trying to get them to be accountable for their actions. You want a heartfelt apology, you want to see remorse. I am sorry, forget about that… Your roles are now reversed and you can be sure the narcissist will tell sad tales to people about how he tried to “help” you, but you were too far gone in your sickness, etc.
This is yet another reason that you must stay away from the narcissist in your life. If your psyche is already severely battered and bruised, this might be what “tips you over the edge” and into a complete psychological darkness, or breakdown, if you will.
Do not underestimate this sometimes lethal crazy-making ability, that narcissists possess! Even if you’re strong, I believe every person has their breaking point when it comes to being abused. When I finally stopped my involvement with a narcissist, I was so close to my breaking point. I was in such a bad place, and behaved in ways totally foreign to me. Because of that, today I’m honestly glad I made it out alive. If it had gone on any longer, I’m not sure what would have happened. I balanced on the very edge of my sanity, in the end. So, if you are with a person who abuses you narcissistically, take it seriously. Start making your escape plan, now. The abuse may otherwise render you too “weak”, should you postpone your escape.
And remember, no matter how inhumanely you were treated by them: In their world, there is only one perpetual victim. Them.