Am I scraping the bottom of the barrel here? Is my city of 1.5 million people really this small? Will I have to move abroad? Will I have to join the army for real, just to be able to find men? 

The other day, on the dating site, an ex of mine wrote me. He and I were together about a hundred years ago and have remained friendly ever since. Not that we see each other a lot, cause he has a busy life with several children and so on. But we chat, once in a while. He separated from the childrens’ mother a while back, so he is now on the dating site. It was fun chatting and we talked about having coffee some time (as friends!). While it was fun talking, a thought flickered in my head: “Is this where we all wind up in the end?” On the dating site, looking for new partners. There was a melancholy to that thought…  You see, a while after we had broken up, I was so happy for him, cause he made it work really well with that new woman he had met. They had a family together for 10 years or so.

And I have always thought: “Well, mr. Friendly Ex, at least one of us got to have the Happily Ever After”. And that thought was comforting. Now, he is back on the dating site….  It also made me think about how small a world it is, since he happened to find me there. The thought hit me, like “Is the universe trying to send me a sign here? Sort of like: “Nope, girl, you’ve gone through them all, just look, here is your old ex from 12 years ago….”. Scraping the bottom of the barrel, not meant in a mean way, just sort of, “being out of options”.

Of course I let go of that ridiculous thought. I mean, come on, who would think like that? It is probably just me with all of my crazy random associations that I make in my mind… It’s true I have seen a lot of familiar faces on the dating site, people who were there many years ago, too… but I haven’t talked to them. Anyway, I waved the “barrel” thought away, like an annoying fly buzzing around my head.

Until now. 

Another old “aquaintance” contacted me on the dating site. Now, I remember this guy. (I’ll call him Mr. Recycling). I chatted with him 5 years ago, shortly before I met the Narcissist (“Hero”). And no, I do not have photographic memory, like Mike in “Suits”. I probably wouldn’t have remembered Mr. Recycling, had we only spoken very briefly. But the thing is, we chatted quite a lot back then, probably for weeks.

And his message now: “Hello, you seem to be so (generic message compliment), yada yada..”. And no, that is not me being cold hearted. I didn’t read the message, simply because I already know I’m not interested in him. The reason I ended our chatting back then, was that he was boring me to death. And, I know there’s at least one person who would agree with me (right, Deb?), that boring is about the worst thing you can be, in the dating scene… (Well no, being a narcissist is worse, but you already figured that one out by yourselves, if you know me)  😉

But, I’m just so stunned that Mr. Recycling really didn’t remember me? After all that chatting we had, almost daily, for several weeks? I mean, he must have seen my face at least 25 times.. Or is he faking that he doesn’t remember me? Do people do that, just to be able to “recycle” old potential dates? That makes me laugh, to be honest…

And the thought of the bottom of the barrel returns, again! I’m back to the same men from 5 – 12 years ago! It wouldn’t be that bad if they appeared, while at the same time, I had found a few other interesting men…. But, no interesting (new) men in sight, (yes, I’ve been actively looking) and then these old chaps pop up! I think the universe is playing a trick on me! Either that, or it’s trying to tell me something… (“You shall never find a new and interesting man on this dating site…for so it is written in my stars… mohahaha”).

So yeah…. not a lot of new adventures… just recycling.

I need to be close to someone. I need some passion and intimacy. I don’t know if I believe all that much in love anymore, but I’m still a human being, still need to be close to someone, after a long while of being alone…

It’s really bad now. Yesterday, I even had to watch “Lady Chatterley’s lover”, believe it or not. You may laugh, but hey, it’s actually a classic novel, made into a TV movie by the British television, (BBC), last year. It was quite romantic and steamy. With an..*ahem*.. “very nice” male protagonist. I would recommend it to any single who is feeling lonely.

Come on, universe! Give me a break! I am not even asking for eternity, right now. I just need something good, for the here and now. Thank you in advance!

Yours sincerely/SurvivedNarc