“You will burn and you will burn out; you will be healed and come back again.” – F. Dostoyevsky
An update on the Strange Life that is SurvivedNarc’s. I feel it is called for, to write a bit about, since my last post about dating.
There were quite a few of my very friendly and regular readers, that were supportive and enthusiastic on my behalf, about the prospect of dating a specific man, that I mentioned. I felt I couldn’t explain properly in comments, my reasons for behaving in this strange way that I am. Or perhaps I am afraid to go there? To look the pain in the eye again, and have to defeat it all over again.
But, as you may or may not have seen on my latest quote post,that is not who I am. I am not a scared person. Not really. Admittedly, a part of me has become afraid, in the last few years and because of all those dark experiences.
But why now? Why is this fear manifesting now? And what is the meaning of this blog title?
Well, there is something that has been too painful to talk about, I admit that. Not even on the blog have I been able to discuss it. I will not delve deep into it here, cause… I simply can’t. More on that in a second. I will mention first what it is about, so you can make some sense of what I’m talking about.
A while back, I discovered even more about “Hero”, the ex narcissist. I will not go into the details. I simply can not. Suffice it to say, I discovered that he is even more hollow, more deceitful, and… there is no other word: more evil, than I could ever have imagined, previously. As so often with narcissists, our knowledge about their cruelty comes in fragments, and new pieces of information can surface even after some time. And there are so many layers to their deception, that each new layer shocks you in a way that you never thought possible, until that moment when a new little piece of Truth hits you like a sledge hammer.
Now, a few important things: Number one: Does this mean that I am back in contact with Hero, and that he is a part of my life? No way, José! He is not in any way in my life today, and I am determined to keep on with No Contact. I know what he is, and I have no illusions whatsoever that he could ever be “cured”, or “saved”, or anything like that.
Number two: Why don’t I just reveal it all, what is this about? I don’t know about you, but some things in your life, in your heart, in your soul, are just too painful, too dark, too humiliating, to ever share with anyone. Maybe you have experienced that, at some point. If you have, you will understand…
Number three: Will I process this, to be able to move on from it? Yes, I know exactly what I will do and how. It may even be nice, for some of my readers, who claim to like my poetry… 😉 The number one method I will use for processing is, with a bunch of upcoming poetry blog posts. In fact, just on the way home from the store, I had 3 or 4 poems in my head, in the span of one single hour! Since some of you know, my very expensive phone was recently stolen, so I had no way of writing these poems down, but I sort of remember them, still.
I will also post some blogs about narcissism in general, and perhaps some personal stories again about the narcissistic relationship, for cleansing all that out. Do not worry, I will still post photography, dating posts, etc. Life goes on normally, while I am doing this cleansing simultaneously. (Isn’t that typical of a woman: multi-tasking?)
Now, my upcoming poetry will perhaps seem very dark to some. Therefore, I am explaining this here, today, cause I feel I have made some friends here in the blogging community. I refer to them as my “bloggies”. I want those of you who feel you belong to that group, to know what is going on. Also, I would never in a million years want any of you to feel worried about me. So even if there seems to be a lot of darkness in some posts from now on: Please know that I will always be alright. This is simply all part of the cleansing and processing. In fact, I think of it a bit as my spring cleaning of the soul.
Take care! Love/SurvivedNarc