Ok, I admit that I hate the word “closure”. Do we ever “truly” have closure? I mean, if you loved someone with all your heart, and they died, or you lost them in some way, are you ever just “finished” completely with them? Do you say: “Yep, that’s that. I’ve had my closure, all good. Never going to think about it again. Chapture closed. Nothing more to say about that”. I know, I know. Closure may be more like… feeling peace about what happened. Getting an understanding about events, enabling us to move on, without feeling stuck and obsessed… In that sense, yes, I have had “some kind of closure”, with the events the last couple of days. I’ll tell you how it played out when I met Hero (narcissist ex), again.
I told him everything that I had planned to say. I started by asking him why he usually keeps on contacting me, when he shouldn’t be doing that. At first, he said: “I have no good answer.” Then he paused and said: “It’s because I miss you”. I then asked, “But how do you think it feels for me, when you contact me, without serious intentions?” He said: “I suppose it doesn’t feel very good for you… It’s just that every time we have seen each other, it has been such a good time, so nice”. I said: “Yes it has, in the moment, but then it kills me that you don’t make any effort to make things right, to really make a mends. And these games you have played with me for so long, you know, that is just… cruelty. There’s no other word for it. Whether you mean to, or not, you are a person capable of very cruel actions“.
As I predicted, he did not like being called a cruel person. He didn’t like it one bit. He stayed silent mostly, while I said what I needed to say. While I was talking, there was a sort of frown on his forehead, most of the time. A tortured expression, a little wrinkle between the eyes. You know, the kind you get when you are, well, worried or a bit upset about what somebody is telling you.
I am pleased to say, it didn’t give me any “pleasure”, to say what I said. To me, that means I am still “me”, I haven’t gone through a transformation and become “crazy”: and out for revenge… And believe me, I have had every reason to become “bloodthirsty” after everything I’ve been through with him, the last few years. But no, I only felt relief, when I released the truth into his lap. It was exactly how I pictured I would feel. Only a relief for me personally, to set the record straight. To see him in front of me, in person, so he couldn’t escape by sending some sort of manipulative answer by way of text/e-mail.
He didn’t reply much. Once he tried to put in a weak protest, that he’d gotten back to me recently, because I had contacted him, first. I calmly said: “Ok, but that doesn’t account for ALL the other times. And they were many”. So I sort of dismissed his protest as BS, and he didn’t continue with it, cause he probably saw from the serious expression on my face, that BS just wouldn’t fly with this chick anymore. This chick meant business.
I can not turn off the empathy within me. When I saw his seemingly tortured and quiet face, I therefore had to say something else, after I was done conveying my message about my new boundaries for the future. So in a gentle tone, I asked him if there was anything he wanted to ask/add. He said what he usually says, that his mind goes “blank”, when it comes to talks like this. I nodded and said I remember that very well. He said he had understood my message. I also added: “Whatever happens here tonight, what I have said now, will not change“. He nodded, looking troubled.
And yes, something “happened” later that night…. There is something there, that I don’t know what it is. I just know it’s undeniable, impossible to escape, everytime we see each other. It was nice, it felt good. I won’t go into details, cause I can not put into words what this thing is. It’s just something electrical, that has never faded through all of these years.
I can not help but say it was pleasing to me. Not only the physical part, that has always been an extreme pleasure, with him… But, also to find him defenseless, at least in some aspect, between us. He is always, always, so “surprised” about the effect I have on him. If there is anything there that is genuine at all, it is that even he can become overwhelmed by something bigger than himself, sometimes. At one point, he tried to convey that to me, he said it so suddenly, that I believe it was genuine: “I don’t know what it is with you, what it is, that you do to me… I can’t explain why I feel this so strongly, in my body: Something taking over me…”. Later that evening, he had that same old smile on his face; the smile of a little boy; innocent, just happy…. It is such a strange and stark contrast to the cruelty, as you can imagine…
The good news is that, as I predicted, none of this has changed a thing about my feelings regarding him. I haven’t put on any rose-colored glasses; I still see his brokenness, and don’t want that to be part of my life. Nothing has changed, except me feeling a bit more empowered. And perhaps, well, yes… It was a sort of relief, to see that he can become a bit “powerless” at times. He can’t always wriggle his way out of everything. He can not always have the upper hand. He didn’t, yesterday. And, as I have thought a few times before: if a narcissist can ever “feel” anything for anyone, something resembling love, I believe he has felt that, for me. Not that it’s enough, no way… It is nowhere near a healthy love, that I need. But, strangely, it provides a sort of consolation, for me.
But yes, my life continues normally now. I will still process all that was, from time to time. I will keep on with No Contact. I will want to date a bit, if I can find suitable candidates. This was just something I had to do. I had to “go see”. And what I saw, was a person that is as I believed; broken, much too broken, to love someone. But the evil parts of him weren’t there, yesterday. I have no illusions; I know those parts exist within him, and can emerge at any second. Which is why that door has to stay closed from now on. I am still happy today. Happy that I got “some sort of closure”.
What is it that they say? Onwards and upwards!
Hope everyone is having a great Easter! Love/SurvivedNarc
(Image2 : Here)