“Hero” (narc ex) has hoovered again! Can you believe that? The unimaginable bastard!
Hero must have just taken a chance yesterday evening. He probably sent his text to my five last known phone numbers, or something. His message was short, basically: “Hello? Are you there?”. I have my subscription phone number again (replacement SIM card), since my Iphone was stolen recently. My new SIM card, I’ve put in an old, borrowed “flip phone”. Since it is my old number, but an old school phone, there are no blocking apps….so he got through, of course. I just figured he wouldn’t use that number again, since I’d told him that my I-phone was stolen, etc. (None of this really matters; if he wouldn’t have gotten through with a text, he’d end up sending letters. *Sigh*).
This is what’s been going through my mind (in the order these thoughts/feelings came up), the last few hours, since I woke up and saw his text:
Nauseous – How can he do this, again? Without any consideration for me? How can he not care that he’s ripping up the stitches in my heart, which he already broke a hundred times? It makes me feel sick that a person can be so cold and callous and think nothing about how their actions affect another. It also confirms – a narc will respect NO boundaries. Ever. (Remember that I “threatened” to call his family members, and/or the police, if he hoovered again? Even that doesn’t deter him…? Well. He knows I’m a “nice person”, so I guess he took his chances).
Slightly Paranoid – has he found my blog? Did he read my post on Friday, about my progress?
Logical – Making sense of this: No, I don’t believe he reads my blog. The more logical explanation: it’s been exactly 3 weeks since our last contact, and that’s been his “hoover cycle” the last 6 months or so. He’s never let more than 3 weeks pass, before contacting me. While we were a couple, he was also managing down my expectations, (classic narc tactic!) by making it so that we only saw each other once a week, tops. (Not counting the periods we tried a LTR).
After the relationship = this past 1.5 year of him trying to keep me as a “toy”, he’s been managing down my expectations further, having first a “2 week cycle” (in how he hoovered me). And now this “3 week cycle” instead. Probably more convenient for him, since he also has other sources now. He plays with them in the meantime, then contacts me again, to make sure I’m still in his narcissistic harem, should things go south with his plaything “Du Jour”.
I’m now conditioned to expect him to pop up within 3 weeks. In fact, I’ve been worried these last few days, dreading a hoover, but hoping to god it wouldn’t come. That he’d be merciful and vanish, this time. Nope. His need for “supply” comes before anything else.
The old pull – Fragments of toxic hope come alive:- “Could it be he really misses me”? – “Is he now afraid I’m gone forever, has that made him want to make things right”?
The love – the memories – the sadness: I remember being in his arms, I remember how I thought so many times: “a person just can’t fake all this; passion, physical tenderness, the banter, the laughs. The adventures we had. It had to have been real…”
Logical – and Empowered: I stand strong in my truth. I know what he is. I remember the hundreds of lies. What could he ever possibly do, to make all that right? Could I forgive him, even if he was kneeling in front of me, crying, promising to go to therapy? Would I give him another chance, if I saw him hit rock bottom, and see the light? I doubt it. I would still think his words and tears an act, from the most talented actor I’ve ever met… The image I get in my head, is that I would still slam the door shut in his face and protect my heart with mile-high walls against this…”person”.
Anger: I will NOT reply to this pathetic, lame hoover!
Fear – When I don’t reply, will he up the ante, like in the past? Will there once again be letters, with false remorse and new fake promises? Will I withstand that, or crumble again?
Plan of action: I haven’t bought a new Iphone up until now, cause frankly I couldn’t afford it. So I haven’t had access to “blocking apps”. Now, the cost doesn’t matter. Even if I have to wait for payday, I’ll try and find a way to get my hands on a smartphone again – so I can get blocking apps! They were a tremendous help before. I need them again! Until then: Ignore-fest!
Love/ SurvivedNarc 💔