Moving into unknown territory here. I need to put this into sentences, see it in front of me: tangible evidence that things are actually moving forward. Even if it goes slowly. The frustration at how slowly it’s been going, I imagine being similar to that of driving in the countryside, getting stuck behind a farmer with his tractor. On a really narrow road.
You are moving forward, but you would like it to go at least three times as fast. But you are where you are and there is not a thing you can do about it – except let go of the stress and frustration, since they do not make you move faster anyway. And try to remember that you’re at least moving, going somewhere, to a new place.
So, about the record: Today, it’s been 27 days since any form of (mutual, active) contact between me and the narcissist (“Hero”). He sure tried to reach out, this past weekend, (as you may or may not know). I didn’t reply though. And so, tomorrow will mark 4 weeks without contact. That is pretty great! I need to pat myself on the back for that. I think what I usually manage is around 3 weeks/21 days without any contact. You could say during an average month, there has always been “some kind of contact”, even if only once or twice. (Going back the last 18 months). However, during this period, since the ending of our “official” relationship, the contact has become much more infrequent. Especially in the last 6 months.
He does have a hard time letting me go completely though, and will typically resurface every three weeks. Sometimes I’ve managed to resist replying initially, other times we’ve had some exchanges. The end result has always been: my wounds re-opened and salt poured into them.
So: This is clearly progress for me! I have no idea what going into “month 2 of (unbroken) No Contact” will be like. Simply because I’ve never been in “month 2” before. I can admit that the narcissist reaching out, this last weekend, hit me much harder than I could ever imagine. I’ve sort of had to recover from it, all this week. I know this is hard to understand for those who haven’t been with a narcissist. But it took all my strength in that weekend, and the days that have followed, not to reply back to him.
I’ve had to sit on my hands a few times these last days, to keep from writing him a scathing email about his cruelty in reaching out, like he did. Cause he knew I needed him to not contact me, that it would be incredibly painful for me. But, I haven’t written anything to him. I’m proud of myself for that.
While fighting the urge to hire a hitman (joking!!), I’ve been trying to find some positive things to think about instead, these last few days. I came up with a couple of good things. I will just name one, to end this post on a positive note.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to be a writer. A “real” writer. A couple of years ago, I even started to write the first few words of this book I had in my head.
I didn’t continue and since then there has been too much else going on. I even lost that “first page” of the book, when my old computer crashed. But this week, I’ve managed to more or less re-create the first page, from my memory! The first 1000 words, that is. I don’t know if the book will ever be finished. I’ve still decided to keep working on it, from time to time, when I feel inspired.
That feels very hopeful. To create something meaningful, after the mass destruction I’ve been through.
Like seeing the first frail flower coming up through the ground, where a nuclear bomb was once detonated.